TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed within the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully away from spot. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But yes, positive, let's have another place in which American Adult men can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: provide All people a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is Trump Tower Damascus that he should prevent using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You know, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a function currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from international buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will likely include:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD can have convert-down support."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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